An Unpoetic Rhythm

2011: Trust

2011-01-24T15:04:00.002-05:00

Today, Mark and I went grocery shopping. Just picked up a few things to hold the fort for the next few days. He sat contentedly in the seat with his baby, Dapper Dan, and his Jooo-SSSS, and a bag of Goldfish. For most of the trip he was content to just sit and munch and sip. He smiles shyly and sometimes openly at people. He stares with great curiosity at the other "BeeBees" in the storm with their mommy's and daddy's and caregivers. Every now and then he points out a few letters that are bright or special enough to catch his eye and announces them to the world. "Naaa! Naaa?!", he calls me, "M! Yea. M." He needs acknowledgement from me for everything he says or sees or does. It's as if he wants to make sure he is seeing life correctly. He needs reassurane that his labels for symbols are accurate. It is fascinating to watch him learn and explore and validate his world. I can help but wondering about his life. We have such a special bond. I hope he never forgets me.

I am rounding the bend to completing my Bachelors degree and it seems like it is even farther away than before. The last leg of the journey always seems the longest, and this second half of my last year appears to be infinite. Part of this is due to the oppenness of life at the end of this journey. There are so many paths and so many pitfalls. It is like a fork in the road with hundreds of tongs. I want to go the right way, do the right things, but am I? In many ways, I parallel Mark, and his questioning everything he sees and encounters. "This way, God?" "No...? Yes? NO?!" "Where am I going?" There are lots of things I want out of life, but there are a few which are of great priority to me.

Yet, so much is still unknown. I hate unknowns. I like plans. Well-laid out plans. I like having direction. There is a security in knowing where you are going. Yet, I am smart enough to know that my ways are not God ways and that even if I do not know where I am going, God has a plan. He has a plan for me! Half the time, I can not see that plan. I am too busy creating a back-up plan. I should know better because they never work. So this year, prompted by K-Love (of all things), I have chosen a word to guide my year. I know my weaknesses and I want to grow. After a little prayer and a lot of reflection I knew what my word would be: Trust. More than ever, I know that this year will be hard for me. The path that lay ahead is riddled with potholes, speed bumps, traffic jams and distractions. More than ever, I need to learn to rely on God. To trust that he has a plan and that he is still working on that plan.

I am clinging to God's word and claiming his promises for me. In particular, Proverbs 23:17-18 is my trust verse. It says, "Do not let your heart envy sinners, but always be zealous for the fear of the LORD. There is surely a future hope for you, and your hope will not be cut off." When I first read this, a few weeks ago at church it just stuck to my heart. It addressed my fears and my sins at once and was like a balm. I have hope. There is always hope! What a beautiful thing. Although this year will be hard, I have so much to look forward to. Life. My own life will begin. So many special blessings to experience.

8 “For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,”
declares the LORD.
9 “As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.
10 As the rain and the snow
come down from heaven,
and do not return to it
without watering the earth
and making it bud and flourish,
so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater,
11 so is my word that goes out from my mouth:
It will not return to me empty,
but will accomplish what I desire
and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.
12 You will go out in joy
and be led forth in peace;
the mountains and hills
will burst into song before you,
and all the trees of the field
will clap their hands.
13 Instead of the thornbush will grow the juniper,
and instead of briers the myrtle will grow.
This will be for the LORD’s renown,
for an everlasting sign,
that will endure forever.”
Isaiah 55:8-13, NIV.

The Venting of a Jesus-Follower

2010-01-03T18:38:00.006-05:00

I do not want to be called a Christian if I have to be lumped in with all these hypocrites who know all the right things to say but are not willing to do them. Christians today are some of the most selfish people I know. They do not give because they love the person they are giving to, they give so that others think they are good. They do not choose not swear because they want to be pillars of righteousness for God, set apart--not that I have a thing against swearing--instead they do not swear because they want to appear better than the "others". They do not remain abstinent from drugs, sex, and alcohol because they want to rely on God for their strength and not become trapped by the addiction that coping with these things can bring; rather they do not take part in these things because they want others to know how "righteous and holy" they can be. Me, me, me. My strength, my ability. My agenda. I do not understand how it became this. God's poor heart must be bleeding. We have become just like the culture around us, all about appearance. So many of us know the right "Christian-with-a-capital-c" thing to say, but have abandoned the practice. How did we get so complacent?

I know that there are those of us who understand this and know what it actually takes to be a Christian...but the majority are all stuck in some weird mix of idealism and comfort. All I know is that I love God. And I take being a Christian seriously. Everyone thinks that when Christ asked his disciples to leave everything behind and follow him he meant all material things, but I would suggest that he meant all the things of this world, all their heart's desires and all their wicked behavior. After all what you have means nothing compared to what you do with it.

In light of this I find myself questioning my motives daily. There is so much that I do that has become the object of my own personal criticism. At the same time, I know that following Christ is a heart thing and that my heart wants this. I do not claim to be any better than anyone else--in fact I am likely just as bad as everyone, however, I do not want to remain this way. My heart wants this for everyone. I so desire that we would all be filled with the peace and joy and love that comes from following Christ.

In a recent conversation with a good friend I discussed the notion of complaining. I have decided that complaining is selfish, I told her. Unless you have actually done something to better the situation do not grumble about it. So many times I find myself whining about a situation or a person when I have not even tried to love the person or change my own behavior in the circumstance. I challenge you not to allow yourself to complain about something that you may better. We are called to be lovers of people and lovers of truth, not gossip, laziness, and selfishness. Such a simple thing would change the course of my life and those around me, if I would pursue its continued practice, I think. My heart wants this. It wants to love God and others and put them first.

What if we made the decision to do life the right way and to continue to seek God's definition of what is right, even if it means saying and doing things that are hard? I am ready to do this.

I want God's heart, not the heart of Christianity.

What IS Christmas?

2009-12-24T16:42:00.004-05:00

These days I want more than anything to just love God and love others.

This year, Christmas is arbitrary to me. I want Christ in my year, in my life--NOT on December 25th.
I don't want to pretend like "It's the most wonderful time of the year" when for many and most, it's not. Getting presents does not fix everything. I want to celebrate Christmas in Africa, among the poor and powerless. I want to feel the gift of Christ among the provision he sets before me. The drinking water. The laying hen and milk goat. The smile on a baby's healthy face. I want to see the smile of the mother who trusts God for her children. The peace of a father who can do nothing more than trust God...

I have been thinking lately, about the way we celebrate Christmas in America. We are not challenged. We are selfish. We are materialistic.

I do not like it.

The Things You Learn While Working - Chapter 1

2009-10-20T11:29:00.003-04:00

I have known for a long time that lessons can be learned from even the most mundane life activities. It is not that they are small lessons, just that we do not often look for lessons to learn from such events. Never the less, these opportunities are always presenting themselves. They are here as you read this, they are there when you pump your gasoline or throw in a load of laundry. They are especially available when you count out your change at the register or you are verbally attacked by a friend or struggling to put a smile on your face for your kids. Growth is often as much a byproduct of the everyday events we participate in as it is a part of struggling.

Today I was giving my fussy boy a bottle. I am a nanny for those of you who might not know. I take care of a 10 month old all day and his older brother 7 years old, and sister 9 years old, before and after school. I hate saying this because it connotes that his parents are neglectful or selfish, which they are not, but essentially I am a part time mom. I work--if you can call it that--Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Friday and an occaisonal random dayor hours here and there. I am here over 30 hours a week (I am here now....). I love the family I work for. God has blessed me with the opportunity to love on them, and encourage them, and simply make life easier for them.

That being established, as any parent would know...there is just something about kids that draws you to them. I do not think I have ever met a child of whom I could not say I loved. They are precious, brilliant, beautiful, innocent beings. Something inside of me would do anything to love their little, trusting hearts. And this is where I learned my lesson today, from a baby.

Today, while feeding my little guy his before-nap-bottle I just stopped and looked at him. As active as he is, it is not often that I have the opportunity to study him and so I took advantage of it. Cradled tightly against my chest in his pajama shirt and diaper he was content, one hand gripping his bottle, as if to make sure it did not retreat, and the other nestled warmly between my body and his. His round face, pinched in his attempts to suckle his milk as fast as possible yet relaxed in exhaustion. And looking down at him I felt my heart melt.

Who am I that he trusts me so readily to care for him? A stranger over 2 months ago, I am now one of his principle care providers. And He loves me. I wonder what it is that keeps us from loving so freely and fully? But I guess that's another chapter....

I smiled watching him slowly succumbed to the fate of fatigue. Staring at him I took in the perfection that God created. The tiny pink nose, long dark lashes, the too-long hair I had swept away from his face, the tiny hands that held on so strongly and the small heart that attached so swiftly to my being. You are beautiful, I thought. I set the bottle aside and gazed and pondered at his beauty, whining, crying, fussing, frustrating habits aside. My heart came to a ready and willing conclusion.

"I love you, you know?" I whispered to his sleeping form. A tear rolled down my face.

Sometimes we realize things in the most random moments, when we are least expecting it. In that moment, the sleeping baby and I were not sitting alone anymore. At that moment we were joined, we were connected, by the love of God. Somewhere inside my brain a connection was made across a spindly synapse. And my heart responded with fervor as it experienced the love of God; almost as if it was created to behave so openly.

The tears kept flowing as I looked at him and felt God's gaze upon me.

And of course, as irony plays itself out, my sweet charge is up from his nap.

More later, I promise.

The Things You Learn While Reading the Bible - Chapter 1

2009-07-18T23:50:00.003-04:00

In order to better understand God, I had decided several weeks ago to start again -- begin our relationship anew. I have come to believe that the God I know is only a fraction of the God who is. I want to know him. Really know his heart. There are a few lines from a Jennifer Knapp song called Martyrs and Thieves that correctly summarize my heart, or the heart I am working toward: "So turn on the light and reveal all the glory. I am not afraid to bear all my weakness, knowing in meekness [that] I have a kingdom to gain. Where there is peace and love in the light. Oh! I am not afraid to let your light shine bright in my life".

John 1 describes Christ and God as the "true light" (1:9). I have long believed that the truth who Christ is, was the most powerful light in the world, but I never actually took the time to know that light. I can't help but think how crazy we complacent Christians are to not be utterly amazed by the God we serve; to not want to know all we can of His heart and will and love. Who have we become? Good and holy God, forgive me for treating you as a commodity, as a popular and expensive toy that I bought on sale, but never play with or spend time with!

My heart is to discover the heart of God. In order to do this I had decided that I needed to erase all the preconceptions and doctrines that might hold me back from getting to know God. It is never a safe place to be where one thinks they know all about who God is. We humans, who can scarcely comprehend our maker attempt to define him by our standards. Since when did God have to be logical? Since when could he be concentrated to a scientific formula? The answer is never.

So how can I know him? Through his word, prayer and communication with him. I started by beginning to read the Gospels again. This time reading as if I had never read before. The first eighteen verses of John chapter 1 told me more about the God I serve than the Salvation story I have known by heart from a young age. They convinced me that the God I thought I knew was only a glimpse of his glorified reality. Verse 5 made the fall of man mean something more to me. John 1 says that in God all things are given life. In fact, I'll include verse 4 here, because it is the back-story to verse 5.

"4 In him was life, and that life was the light of men. 5 the light shines in the darkness, but the darkness has not understood it" (John 1:4-5).

The first time I read this objectively I cried. I've heard this verse quoted many times, even quoted it myself, but this time the way I saw it confirmed its words in my life--irony playing in a sad way. I always used it to confirm my right opinion or prove that sinful people often cannot understand their ill-behavior as unholy.

Irony is such a sorrowful, solemn thing when it concerns the state of our relationships with God.

But when read with all of the history in mind, the meaning of the first passage of John 1 is profoundly heartbreaking. The beginning of everything, the architect of the human brain that is made up of 100 billion neurons, the composer of the finches song, the one who breathes life awake , shines on us, his creation--on mankind, who he lovingly created in his image, and we cannot understand his light. Later verse 10 makes the reality of this known: "though the world was made through him, the world did not recognize him." Oh what sin has done to us!

A part of me deep down inside that feels the pull of the original relationship I was created for, aches whenever I now read this words. Ironically God's truth is not logical; 4 + 5 = everything! Before John even tells the gospel story he prefaces it with the knowledge that we must recognize God; receive him, known him to become his children.

I do not know what else to say after reading this but to beg God, "Oh my maker, let me know you!"

And so I begin my journey of discovery....

The Things You Learn While Driving - Chapter 3

2009-06-27T23:59:00.002-04:00

Today there was a young deer wandering around our neighborhood. When my mom and her friend were walking up our road on their way home from their weekly stroll, they had seen him, standing in the middle of the road, wide-eyed. Later in the afternoon her and I saw it again in front of the house. I could not help feeling compassion and a sense of urgency to protect him as I watched him search and not find his way. I was so afraid that he would remain in the road, or --worse! Find his way down to Court Street and get hit by the rapid moving traffic. If only I could have helped him find his parents, I kept thinking to myself later in the afternoon. How frightening it was as a young child to be separated from my mom or dad in the store. Or even now, how lonely it is to lose my way and fall out from under the approval of my parents.

As I drove, I remembered the desperate look on that fawn's face. I have not often gotten lost while driving; I am usually fairly clever with finding my way. But the few times I have lost my way, I can recall the frustration, annoyance, and fear that ran across the screen of my emotions. Of course, the fact that I sit here in my cozy bed, in my childhood home that sits on top of a hill in my birth and hometown, attests to the reality that I have always...made it home.

That young deer mat not be so blessed.

Today as I drove here and there I could not help but wonder if that little deer reflected a part of me. Looking beyond my appearance and experiences to my emotions, feeling, desires; the intricate web of longing and personality that makes me, me. We go through life rather quickly, making decisions and choices, facing challenges and landslides. Those of us who find some carnal succes are deemed the champions of life. But by whose standards? At the end of our lives, at the end of each day, what have we truly accomplished?

I could not help but wonder if we start life out inextricably connected to the glory and guidance of God; his heart, his being, giving our souls life and purpose and direction, and very swiftly find ourselves lost. Separated from the one who knows our purpose, we wander farther away from the safety of his presence, of the parents and leaders and wisdom he provided us. And then I started thinking that we must all not know that we are lost. We set off in search of fulfillment, of that glory we once had, but often times only get even more lost. Maybe we've forgotten that we were lost.

I wanted to help that poor deer, but I realize I probably could not have unless I knocked him unconscious and moved him to a happy little deer forest. But even in this ideal habitat, could I help him find his parents, his glory? I do not think so, because quite honestly, I don't speak deer.

John 10: 4 tells us that sheep will follow their master "because they know his voice". What if we called out to that master life-giver? Would he find us? Could he lead us home?

I like to think that each of us have our very own soul language that God uses to connect with us. He does not need to study us to learn this language because he created one for each and every one of us. He desperately wants us to find our way back to him, to blessing and love and peace. I'd like to think that he's always whispering to us. Though it may be faint, he still calls. Most of the time we can't hear it because we have an iPod of sin blaring tracks of stubbornness and pride and selfishness into our souls. This sin dulls our hearing, it blocks out the calls of God, Not until we choose to turn the volume of our sin down, to repent and call out to God, will we hear his voice.

Now I don't know if this is true, but I think it's plausible. I do know that when I stop and realize I'm lost and call out to God for direction, he always answers me.

Later in John 10, Jesus tells the Jews: "my sheep listen to my voice; I know them and they follow me" (10:27). We listen to his voice and he knows us, plans for us and loves us. That's just beautiful to me. It almost brings tears to my eyes. I wonder if Jesus meant that this was a revelation of sorts. That once we hear we realize that he has himself invested in our lives. It might sound weird but I can't help but think of the word "know" in a holy, intimate way. Tat God understands who we are, through and through, in and out, intimately. He wants that connection back. The one he gave us life with.

I think he's trying to get us to see that we don't belong here. That like that deer we have wandered into a desolate suburbia. But I also know that God is bigger that where we are. He wants our souls to be blesses no matter that we live in a fallen, sinful world. He's calling out, to each of us in our own special language, trying to show us the way through the trials of life that sin bestows on us. Just like that deer who was trying to find his way home found himself surrounded by obstacles, we cannot be led unless we hear our master's voice uttering words of hope and salvation.

For the sake of that poor deer, I hope his momma's calling out to him...and...I hope he's listening.

Am I listening?

The Things You Learn While Driving - Chapter 2

2009-06-21T14:12:00.005-04:00

On my drive I was attempting to listen to the only Christian radio station, that I know of, in our area that plays continuous music. It hardly ever comes in unless you are farther west of my town. But I was trying anyway. And through the intermittent static a song began to penetrate my mind. It was nothing new. I have heard it several times while driving to and from work while at school--down south, there are probably 5 Christian radio stations in my area. They are terrible drivers, but "bless their hearts" those southerners sure know how to rock it up, Christian-like.

This particular day, I was thinking about how we can be so judgmental and I'll admit, I was a bit discouraged. Truly I cannot remember what it was exactly that brought this on, but I know that my heart was deeply saddened by the fact that some are willing to so easily pass judgment on others without bothering to know who they truly are. Squint your eyes now and you can imagine with me that perfectionist, people-pleasing little gnome rear it's rosy little head on my shoulder. "I'm not really THAT bad," I thought to myself, "why can they not see who I am?" My heart, the 'me' that sits behind my dark brown eyes?

It's not fair, you know. We often tell the young, picky children, who scoff at broccoli and green beans and cauliflower, that they must try something first, before they say they don't like it. Makes sense, right? Yet, we all make little decisions about who a person is based on how they look, or talk, or walk, or smile....

So as I was driving I got to thinking about how unfair it is and how painful it is to be disliked by someone who had not taken the time to know you. But God's whisper on my heart reminded me that I allow them to define who I am. I allow what they say to hurt me. Shape me. Steal my joy and confidence and peace. And then although the song was nothing new, it's words spoke anew, softly drifting into my broken soul. And again, the verse that has haunted my mind for weeks now echoed boldly in my heart: "Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins" (1 Pet. 4:8, NIV).

As the chorus began to ring through, I felt God smile down on me and I surrendered my hurt.

"‘Cause I got a couple dents in my fender
Got a couple rips in my jeans
Try to fit the pieces together
But perfection is my enemy
On my own I'm so clumsy
But on Your shoulders I can see
I'm free to be me" (Free To Be Me - Francesca Battistelli).

If you know me well, you understand why this song is so meaningful to me. I've been called a perfectionist more times than I can count, but have grown to hate this term. Perfectionism has become my downfall. In the past I was never ever satisfied with anything I accomplished. I would berate myself for months for the mistakes I had made. I have since realized that I can strive for excellence, but will never be perfect.

I think God was smiling because I was finally understanding what he's been telling me for years, over and over again. He doesn't desire perfection because his strength is made perfect in my weakness. It was Christ himself who told Paul that "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness" (2 Cor. 12:9, NIV). I've always loved this passage of scripture. It is beautiful to me to know that the God that created this entire universe delights in who I am, regardless of my weaknesses. That he is willing to provide the strength I need to serve him. I was reading this past week about how often Christians try to make Christianity a bunch of formulas. Do this, this, and that, and you will be blessed. Say this and don't say that, and you will be counted among the wise. Donald Miller seems to think that we over complicate and over formulate Christianity. That we leave out the most important and striking character of our faith: a relationship with God.

Simple salvation is such a gift. To know that the Beginning and the End would forgive you your every mistake and wipe away the blemishes that you cannot erase. Such a blessing! That he is willing to embrace you and qualify you despite your problems. It is such an otherworldly concept. There are not any people here on this earth that will accept you completely as you are and love you and bless you and give you what you need and hold you and protect you. Perhaps this is why I often cannot forgive myself, even if I try. I simply can't. That's God's job.

I can see now how I read and believed 2 Corinthians but was not willing to surrender to God, to give everything back to him. To talk, and cry, and leave my prayers at his feet. I failed to accept his grace. I wanted that strength, but couldn't quite surrender for long enough to allow significant change.

The second verse of the song came around and I nearly burst into tears.

"When I was just a girl I thought I had it figured out
My life would turn out right, and I'd make it here somehow
But things don't always come that easy
And sometimes I would doubt" (Free To Be Me - Francesca Battistelli).

The beauty of the God that I serve is the fact that in spite of my failure to always turn to him, without regard to my doubt, he bestowed abundant and tremendous grace over my life. Such a gift. All along, he has been here. With his father's heart; a mother's comfort. Reaching down to such an insignificant being as myself and patting my head....and turning my face up to his and gently wiping away the tears and saying to me, "don't cry, my girl. I did not give you a spirit of timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline (2 Tim. 1:7, NIV). Do not be downcast, I will comfort you (2 Cor. 7:6, NIV). My love is bigger than your problems, bigger than your sin; the blood of my son covers over a multitude of sin (1 Pet. 4:8, NIV). Act justly and love mercy and walk humbly with me" (Mic. 6:8, NIV).

All along. All along. All along....

The Things You Learn While Driving - Chapter 1

2009-06-20T14:12:00.007-04:00

It hit me the other day.... While I was driving--Isn't it funny the things you realize while driving? All these years I've been laboring for me to be something, someone, more, better than I was.
Perhaps, I've been going about it all wrong.

Or maybe not wrong. Maybe I just lost focus on what I truly wanted. I think I've known it all along, just needed some help to notice it. Somewhere in the middle of teen crushes, growing up, babysitting, identity formation, social angst, the completely painful awkwardness that seemed to shroud my fifteenth year, and getting good grades, I started disliking pleasing others, trying to be perfect so that they would know that I was not bad inside.

I realized that I was tired of, had been tired for a long time, of making others happy. Donald Miller says that we were created with the inherent need for someone to define us, to give us meaning. Now I don't know if this is true, but I began to wonder if that's all we are really doing: Wandering around in this world trying to get others to be profoundly impressed with our lives. Well, maybe not all of us, but I think we all have a part of us that reflects this. When I am angry, I cry, because I don't like knowing that I am upsetting others, or I let another person push me to anger. I'm afraid of what I'll say, and what they think of me now that they have seen my anger bubble forth. In fact, I'll admit, that most of my life I have cared far too much what others might think of me rather than what God thinks.

But this year, I have gotten so exhausted trying to keep up with the demands of pleasing others. When I was 6 I had a great gaggle of girls that followed me around. I was a sensation in 1st grade (sometimes I wonder what happened since then to change my popularity). Most of my friends had the same favorite color as me. First it was purple, then blue, then purple again. For a while one of my friends would copy, exactly, my drawings and colored pages, going as far as picking up the crayon as I would put it down and reproducing the very mark I had just created. Of course, as a 6 year old, I did not mind this attention too much. But sometimes, after a long afternoon, I'd lose my patience with trying to keep up with all their expectations and cry and run to my mom's skirts and just stay there, where I knew they would not assault me.

Wouldn't it be nice to have a big giant mommy, with a waist that started at the ceiling, so that you could hide in the midst of her skirt, warm like a freshly dried towel, and feel her reach down through the ceiling and pat your head and turn your face up to hers and gently wipe away the tears and say to you, "don't cry, baby, momma's here"?

A silent deafening voice are my words

2009-02-01T00:04:00.004-05:00

Today I was reading through some very old myspace blog posts. So many memories I recorded! I did not get even halfway through the archives, but perhaps one of these days when I do not have a lot of homework and some spare time, I will finish reading. I came across many old poems and griping and venting paragraphs--most bad, a few good. One that I stumbled upon struck me in my current state and in a way directly spoke to my heart. It is hard to believe that I could write something, forget about it, and nearly a year later read it once more and be totally blessed by the words, still finding them relevant to my life issues. I guess we all know ourselves better than others.

At least we know our problems most intimately well.

The poem I wrote is very short. Only seven lines. It is a declaration. A solemn celebration of rising above. Of learning. Of living a life that learns. One that is not held within the confines of the expectations of society. A reminder to keep your eyes ahead and your heart hoping, because you've come such a long way so far--you can make it farther.

The following was written on February 20, 2008 - Wednesday 3:50 p.m.
It is called: a silent deafening voice are my words.

...a silent, strong, bold voice are my words...
...cause I've lived a life that shouts within a song that empties the wind...
...who cares if I'm slick or chic or thick enough...
....all the accusations, at the end I'll rescind...
...and though they say that I am not tough...
...someday, you'll hear my words...someday...they will roar...
...a silent deafening voice they will soar.

I have read and reread the poem and each time I catch something new. It is always worth it to stand in the midst of your trials. That is how you learn. That is how you grow; by not giving up, not letting go of your drive to live. Moreover, the honesty of who you are can be seen and heard through everything you do. Proverbs 12:19 says "Truthful lips endure forever, but a lying tongue lasts only a moment." One of my favorite movies is The Interpreter. At the end of the movie an elderly leader of an African country in civil turmoil reads the dedication from a book he had written years earlier.

He says:

"But the human voice is different from other sounds. It can be heard over noises that bury everything else. Even when it's not shouting. Even when it's just a whisper. Even the lowest whisper can be heard - -over armies... when it's telling the truth."

The truth of our lives is what will be heard most vividly if we to to let our song be sung.

(You only need to watch from 2:00 to about 3:30 --I could not find anything shorter)

Who I am: Who I'm going to be.

2008-09-17T19:06:00.005-04:00

Lately, I have seen my weaknesses ebb forth like the impeding dark of a summer storm. They initially frighten and eventually disappoint me. Often I say to myself, "Deanna, this you will NOT do today, but you will stand up and do this" and later in the day, I find myself doing the exact thing I declared off limits. Paul puts it this way:

"I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out." (Romans 7:15-18, NIV).
Today I am in a position to truly understand Paul's struggle. I always thought that I "got" it, but in reality I knew nothing of this paradox. The sin-hunger on the inside me is hungry. It is never satisfied. So, over and over again, I stumble, I trip, I fall.

Yet, in the midst of my internal war, I have found hope.

Paul continues in Romans 8 by saying, "there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus" (8:1). This is the lesson I have been learning about myself. Even when I fail, I am not a failure. God has been encouraging me to get back up. Every time, I slink back, He pulls up beside me and reaching out grabs hold of my hand and give me the courage to stand once more and keep walking toward the goals I have set.

Goals.

I have learned to set better goals. I tend to dream big. No I dream huge. I set large canvases of plans and directions that I want my life to follow. When I try to copy that picture, my brush slips, or the ink runs, or the colors are not of the right hue and I become doubtful. I get discouraged. I want to give up. Once I did.... Disappointment creeps in so heavily to sit upon my shoulders. I lose the desire to try anymore. Trying does not count if I am going to make mistakes, right? The clincher, my friends, is that I know that this is not the truth.

It's about taking small, but definitive steps. You know, sometimes I have to remind myself, "Deanna, you can't just walk a mile in a snap". You have to take small step after small step. Eventually these little steps take you where you want to be. One of my biggest problems is that I have trouble applying the principle of grace to myself personally. Everyone else can make mistakes. They definitely deserve forgiveness. But Deanna has this thing that she must live up to. This enormous stigma. This grating burden. I am in bondage to my lack of perfection. Yet, as I said above I know that this is not reality. It's not the truth.

Then you will know the truth and the truth shall set you free (John 8:32).

I am learning to cling to the truth, rather than allow the lies and doubt to grab hold of my mind.

So, if the Son sets you free you are free indeed (John 8:37).

I am in a growing phase and enjoying the stretch. Contentedness remains, regardless of my mistakes. I repent, and stand back up. Jesus is beside me constantly reminding me, "[I tell you these things] so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world" (John 16:33). I can sing with all my heart: "If I'm lost, thank God, I'm lost with you!"

For the first time in my life, I also understand why David is honored as a great king: He was a man after God's own heart. David made many mistakes, yes, but he always admitted them, humbly, and repented thoroughly. Your actions should reflect your heart. It is a heart issue. Not an action issue.

Even though I may not be happy with who I am, I know that God accepts me. So I am walking toward who I want to be. I know I'll never be that person overnight. But I am starting my journey.

I am walking. Step after small step.

Standing On the Edge of Me

2008-08-08T00:30:00.003-04:00

I cannot sleep.

My body is weak and my bones are tired and still I cannot settle. My thoughts are racing. My mind is full of prayers and petitions to God for forgiveness and favor, grace and wisdom, I have to wake up in less than 8 hours and work for another 8 hours, but I had to rise and record my heart before I could rest.

I need to be more. But to be more, I must give more of myself away. Sacrifice my time, choices, labor, for pursuing righteousness....

As I laid here in bed and thought of my past year, I felt much shame, but also a newly determined motivation and desire to do better than I have. To do what is right.

I keep wondering what people might say of me, if I died tomorrow. Would I leave behind a legacy of faith? Would people remark on my humble spirit and serving nature? Might co-workers and employers and my fellow students tell of my integrity and faithfulness? Am I reaching my potential? Is Jesus visible in me?

The answer is "no."

I forget to read my Bible. I struggle to love my neighbors. I often choose self-fulfilling pastimes over serving God. Yet, tonight, drawn by the void in my soul for a divine companion, I spoke to God before surrendering to my exhaustion. A flame flickered to life within me. It reached up into the darkened cavern of my heart and warmed me.

He responded.

Like I never turned away from His love, he gave it freely. I felt forgiveness well up and water my soul. A love surpassing my ability to explain, touched me. My heart yearned for that love, it reached out, and the flame grew bigger, spreading to the farthest shadows. I felt hope. A faithfulness. My prayers changed. My atmosphere was rearranged. The desires in my heart shifted. I prayed with conviction--with sureness. In my moment of weakness and disgrace I wanted to rejoice. I DO serve a God who predestined me for greatness among men, who justifies my life and seeks to glorify my soul (Rom. 8:30). I AM called to set an example for this world. To be a resemblance for believers "in speech, in life, in love," of the God who I serve. My faith and my purity SHALL surpass that of this world (1 Tim. 4:12).

God called me to be victorious, and doubting that reality gives glory to the devil.

The gospel I believe in is based on a sacrificial, selfless, undying love. Salvation is the fulfillment of the law, it is justice (Rom. 13:10). It is the key to the chains that hold us in bondage. It is time for me to purpose to seek that with all I have. To no longer war with my enemies, pointing out their flaws, but to turn my heart to love, allowing God to fight my for me. I WILL turn my cheek. When I am faced with a battle I will turn and gaze upon the God who "[says] to my soul, 'I am your salvation" (Psa. 35:3b).

I will let love fulfill the law (Rom. 13:10). And because God loves me, I will love as well (1 Joh. 4:19).

"This is love for God: to obey His commands. And his commands are not burdensome, for everyone born of God overcomes the world" (1 Joh. 5:3-4).

Tonight I set my sights on overcoming the world. I embrace weakness, I grasp on with both hands to grace, I set my eyes on faith, and with God's word to light my path, I step forward....

Goodnight. Good morning.

On Fire - Switchfoot

A New Kind of "welcome"

2008-07-14T14:19:00.002-04:00

I am so honored to be Christ's vehicle of love. Jesus tells us that the second most important commandment, "is this: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' There is no commandment greater than these" (Mar. 12:31, NIV). People are everywhere, and they are looking for the love that I have inside. It's sobering to imagine all of them and humbling to be used to bless them.
Today I received a random IM from a 25 year old man in Turkey and I was reminded of how much I really do love people.

The poor guy was looking for a girl.

I promptly and quite to his embarrassment, diagnosed him within a few minutes of our conversation. He was surprised, I'm sure, but I naturally assume a cautious tone with anyone who sends me an instant message without knowing me. I don't know what life is like in Turkey, but this young man was certainly discouraged and lost. It was clear that he had nothing to put his faith in and was hoping for a girl to talk to; someone to put their faith in him. At first I was reluctant to converse with him and was ready to block him.

But something inside stopped me. I wanted to give him some hope.

I remembered Christ's words.

"I am an engineer," he told me, "if you want can you tell me about you?"

There was something in that phrase. Something so desperate and alone. An undercurrent of love washed through me and I knew that I needed to give this guy a chance. I needed to let him know that someone cared enough to share, to listen. So I proceeded to tell him about my faith, the things I love in life: family, children, reading, writing. He was disappointed to find out by my well placed line of "my boyfriend is from Germany," that I was not single, nor was I unhappy. He was looking for a girl to have a friendship with. He was lonely. I could tell.

So I was honest and told him much about my life. About how God had blessed me. How many things were miracles to me. How God knows exactly what I need and he provides it. He was blessed by my sincerity and wanted to hear more. "I like your character. You are honest." So I told him even more. He was anxious about his future. Didn't see himself getting anywhere. He shared his dreams of becoming chief engineer and finding a great girl and I poured hope upon them. "Keep working hard, and wait. Be humble in relationships and honest. God will bless your life, I promise," I told him. He told me thank you and naturally I replied with the ever used phrase of "your welcome."

A pause.

"Can I ask a question," he said, "What does 'you are well come' mean?"

I stopped, unsure how in the world to describe this word, "welcome," that I used so often. Faltering I looked up the definition--just to be sure I didn't explain a new English word to him incorrectly.

"It's a greeting," I replied, "it means acceptance. Like I was glad to help you."

When he understood he said, "thanks for everything."

Perhaps I come off as a Coldplay groupie, but here I am again, mentioning them in a blog of mine. He reminded me of a song of theirs. Lost! The chorus of the song says:

"I just got lost
Every river that I've tried to cross
And every door I ever tried was locked
Ooh-Oh, And I'm just waiting till the shine wears off...."

I know that my friend didn't feel like he had any hope, but I know that he isn't doomed forever into a dark abyss of depression. I know that there is hope. He's just lost. And I know the way out of his valley. I welcomed him. I loved him. I didn't condemn him. In that moment I understood the word welcome in an entirely new way. I had a revelation. The kind of realization that rocks your vision of life. I think my heart stretched in that moment. It opened up more than it has ever expanded. I felt love come from deep down inside of me. A brand new heartbeat, sending pulses of true, unadulterated love through my soul.

Is it even possible to describe? I don't know how.

I'm sitting in the corner of Kiskadee, again. I have been here for hours and I have seen so many people come and go. Now as I turn my head toward them I feel tears of love and faith and hope fight to free themselves. I see potential. I see hurt. I see loss. I see fear. More than anything I see emptiness and my heart is breaking. And even as it breaks it fills with adoration for God's creation.

I'm overwhelmed. An hour ago when I ended the conversation I felt so completely honored.

When my new friend from Turkey had to leave I told him, "God bless you!"

"You too," he said with a smile.

I want to cry with joy now, because I am indeed blessed by God.

Found: Freedom and Love

2008-07-10T13:41:00.004-04:00

I'm realizing that no matter what happens in my life, I always crave to be with God. In the morning when I rise, my heart longs for Jesus' love, for his words, for the strength he provides. My life is not a long one, as of yet, but I have learned many things in this short time. One of the biggest revelations I have gained is the fact that God is larger than my life, than my problems. He's more than enough.

There is nothing like his love.

It abounds human comprehension. It exists in a bigger space than the universe; it encompasses us. And as amazing and overwhelming as that is, he still desires mini, inconsistent, weak me. He wants me to come and sit in his lap. To listen to the wonderful things he aches for me to have. The plans he has pondered over for my life, for longer than I can conceive. He wants to hold me when I cry out in pain. He wants to heal me. To reach into the murky chasm of my inner thoughts and clean me from the inside out. Scrape the residue of chaos and loss from the walls of my soul. He loves me just the way I am.

The astonishing truth is that I am actually beginning to believe that and reciprocate the yearning for him. My heart constantly longs to be with my Father. when I am feeling discouraged I look to him for encouragement. When I'm hurting, I ask him to heal my heart. When I am weak I allow him to strengthen me. I want to be transfigured. To travel in a spiritual revolution. I want to change from the inside out, into something that greater resembles a daughter of the king. This far down the road I now know that no one else will do that in me, but Jesus Christ.

My relationships, my employment, my schoolwork, my conversations, my writing, my heart, my actions. All of it!

I want to love like Jesus does, because he loved me.

Psalms 34:1-3 says:

"I will extol the Lord at all times; his praise will always be on my lips. My soul will boast in the Lord; let the afflicted hear and rejoice. Glorify the Lord with me; let us exalt his name together."

This is my prayer for today, tomorrow, and the rest of my life. That I will honor the Lord at all times. Or at least as much as my mistake-prone being can. That people will see the love of God flowing through me. That I will transfer joy to others because of the reality of God within me. That my thanksgiving and praise will be contagious. I want to stress to anyone who cares to read what I write in this blog, that I am the worst sinner. That Jesus died a mercilessly painful death because of my disobedience, anger, lust, hatred, foolishness, and arrogance. I'm not perfect. In fact, ask anyone who knows me to be honest and I'm sure they will be able to tell you at least five weaknesses that I have.

God loves me so much that in spite of my weaknesses he promises that he can make me strong (II Cor. 12:10). He has done that so many times in my life I can not even tell. Ironically, it is always the times that I feel worn out, or lost, or sinful, that I am most used by him. He does not expect greatness. He does not need talent. He does not require intelligence. He calls us in our pits and makes something beautiful from our tragedies and disobedience. He makes us great. He makes me great.

In closing I want to encourage you. God is personal. He wants you specifically. He desires mini, inconsistent, weak you. He wants you to come and sit in his lap regardless of how dirty you may be. He'll make you clean. He wants you to hear the wonderful things he longs for you to have. The plans he has pondered over for your life; for longer than you or I can conceive. He wants to hold you when you sob and moan in pain. He wants to heal you completely. To reach into the lifeless cavern of your inner thoughts and clean you from the inside out. Whitewash the stains of rejection and loneliness from the walls of your soul. He loves you just the way you are.

I want everyone to know this truth. I want to shout out the news of the freedom that I have found. It's here people! It has come!

There is no remedy like his love.

Revelation over a Caramel Mocha.

2008-07-01T17:09:00.002-04:00

Today I am sitting in the coffee shop. Wondering what makes a coffee shop so alluring.... Perhaps I thought, it is the tantalizing scent of coffee beans, ground and brewed meshing so beautifully with scones and cakes and basil and mozzarella. Yet, if it was simply for the eating and consuming of drinks, why would one linger. It's not the food and beverages, but rather the environment. At times it is chaotic, but there is always a calm that sits on the surface. A welcome heartbeat, that beats on. And on. And on. And as it beats it pours it's blood warmth throughout. It's contagious. It's attracting.

Sitting in my corner on a stool that spins 'round and 'round, I can see who enters through the glass portal to this churning, working, splendid spot on 18 Main Street. I sip my Caramel Mocha as I think. Who ever thought that something so pleasant might be found on a street as inconspicuous as Main. Yet here we are. Some sit staring into their drinks, lost to the rest of us. Others carry on conversations so boisterous that the entire throng is made part of the talk. Others like me are carried away to distant places. Some read, others hang ten on the internet, others still like me, are writing and listening to music, Going on adventures that are induced by words. Learning things from their ponderings, from the man who sits at the counter reading his paper.

And here I sit. Investigating new tunes, delving into their sound. Going places. Remembering. Feeling their rhythm beat into my eardrums, echo through into my mind and thunder through my belly. There is something in certain songs that sets my heart to thumping, my feet to tapping and my mind to memories and possibilities. Music invokes something mysterious from me.

An opening. An awakening. A sudden, setting knowledge.

More than anything, though I am learning. Gleaning. God, it seems, is continually seeking ways to talk to me. Today He is using music to invoke something that he wants me to realize:

"Every moment was so precious...I can't wait until morning, wouldn't wanna to change a thing...it's such a perfect day, it's such a perfect day...without you it's a waste of time...without you I'm just miles away."

Those are the words from Colplay's "Strawberry Swing," new from their latest album Viva la Vida. I have not been able to hear much of their new album for some time, but today I took the time to hunt and adventure through the internet to connect with their music. Currently I have played this song over about 6 times. Trying to make it mine. To hear it and feel it deep inside. Because there is a message found within it's pounding declarations that I need to hear. Even as a coffee shop can be so exciting, but calming at the same time, so are God's revelations in my soul.

Lately God has been showing me things. Arresting my thoughts, pulling me in. I'm loving every moment of it. Treasuring every chance to learn from Him. I'm constantly expectant. And you know what?

He talks. He spills. He shares.

Have you ever felt so excited, so prepared for something fantastic that your whole being literally moves with expectancy? That's how I feel. God has shown me many things in my lifetime. I've learned so many lessons. Grown into so many improvements of my character. I've learned to love hard times, because I know I will make it through them, that I will defeat my mountains. And at the end of the trial I will see behind me a trail of growth. And before me I will see my life closing in on the potential that looms on the horizon. And even now I determine to run, faster than logic, towards that person that God has made me to be. Phil Pringle says, "God didn't have you. He wanted you. He made you." To me that is one of the greatest revelations in my lifetime. God WANTED me! Not only does he want me, but he has amazing, and astounding things planned for my life.

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you," declares the Lord, "and will bring you back from captivity (Jeremiah 26:11-14).

Possessing that knowledge is one of the most freeing things to do. And sitting here listening to "Strawberry Swing" for at least the 15th time, I hear. God totally and completely enjoys spending time with me. He wants me. He desires my company. He can't wait until morning, to hear me say, "good morning, Jesus, what's on the agenda for today?" As is my habit. I make his day perfect. Without me going to the places I do and being obedient He is miles away from those that need His love. He wants to use me.

I'm so emboldened by this new realization. My feet are itching to move, my body aching to dance and my mouth yearning to shout it out. God loves me. Just me. Who I am. He loves my friendship and He waits patiently by my bedside for me to rise and see the glory of his splendor each and every morning! He has plans and goals and people for me to speak with and lessons for me to learn.

I am hardly prepared, but God, I am ready to obey.

Strawberry Swing - Coldplay

Just 4x9 things about me For Phil.

2008-07-01T11:14:00.002-04:00

FOUR THINGS ABOUT ME!!!!!

This one is a bit different from others we've seen go around. Four things about me that you may or may not have known in no particular order.

Four jobs I have had in my life:

1. T-Shirt folder/Go-fer/shop slave
2. Gift Store Sales Associate
3. Teacher's Aide for Chandler Elementary Ext. Day Program
4. Nanny/Babysitter galore

Four movies I've watched more than once:
1. Kate and Leopold
2. The Santa Clause
3. Dumb and Dumber
4. Maid in Manhattan

Four places I have lived:
1. Plymouth, MA
2. Plymouth, MA
3. Plymouth, MA
4. Virginia Beach, VA

Four T. V. Shows that I watch:
1. House
2. Ace of Cakes
3. John and Kate Plus 8
4. Lost

Four places I have been:
1. Haiti
2. Colombia
3. Texas
4. Alabama

People who e-mail me
1. Amanda Decker
2. Doctor Dictionary
3. Regent University
4. Frieder Dappen

Four of my favorite foods:
1. My mom's Lasagna
2. Breakfast sandwiches
3. Baked Mac and Cheese
4. I like to make Crepes and eat em too :)

Four places I would rather be right now:
1. Stuttgart
2. Alaska
3. Colombia
4. South Carolina

Four friends I think will respond:
None.

Things I am looking forward to this year:
1. Greater Spiritual revelation
2. Renewing friendships
3. VBS
4. August 19th

God: Photographer

2008-06-19T22:32:00.000-04:00

I don't think we are meant to fit together like puzzle pieces. We can't fix one another. Fill in rough spots. Cover up holes. That's futile. I think that we are all layers. We are all layers. We blend, we don't consume. Two people that come together, don't complete one another. They create a new picture. Like developing two negatives together: Two pictures make one. They morph, they mix. They feed off of each other and the end result isn't always pretty. But sometimes, when the camera is placed in the right hands. When the settings are researched and known through and through, completely. When plans are set. When each particular specimen's potential is known. When layouts are cross-referenced and they are groomed and cared for. Sometimes, with the gifted eye and a dedicated heart the photographer can create a masterpiece.

Lives like that are amazing. Total and unadulterated blessings. Why? Because they chose to allow something besides themselves to help plan their layout.

God holds my camera. I want my life to develop into the picture he has for me. The people in my life layering to fill the large picture. I want God to put the people in my life who will affect who I am in a long lasting effervescence. Those who will bring out the brilliant panorama that he wants me to become. Each one of the people in my atmosphere has an impact. Each one of them changes who I am becoming. The people I choose to be around are changed by my life. The parts of their lives I choose to endorse become a part of my picture.

I want God to weed out the overexposed negatives. The ones that will only make my end picture look washed out. I don't want to be defined by this worlds standards, I want to be created by God's design.

We all want to be found. We all want to hear that we are loved and beautiful and strong. We all crave to hear that we have potential, that we can essentially become something we can't see right now. Well God loves to do that. He has the best eye for spotting a setting for a possible prize winner. He sees that in all of us. We just have to listen.

I've listened a few times and watched as my life has been transfigured.

I'm so ready to listen some more.

God's always trying to reach us. To develop us. We have to choose to be exposed.

End of story. Beginning of life.